My name is Alexandria and I struggle with depression. I wish it wasn’t true. I wish that I could love properly… meaning love myself, God and you. My heart aches for the mentally ill and the confused. Maybe at some point in my life, I was all of them or on the break, who knows?
But I want to help people. I wish I can go up to every broken person in the world and hug them. Tell them that their pain is temporary and that there is a God BIG enough to crush all of their hurt.
And there is.
Today, I received a prophecy that I could basically be a voice of change. I believe that… I do but… yeah there is a but. I have to first believe it for myself.
I can’t put into words the emotional pain I feel. It’s in and out and I hate it. I hate depression. I hate rejection… and sometimes I hate living. But I won’t give up on life and I pray that you won’t either. I don’t understand my emotions but God does. It would be so easy for me to fall into a rabbit hole. Forget my church, forget my few friends, forget my family and just… give up. And I have many times. I walked out of church this year cause I couldn’t believe it. I am broken and no one sees me. How dare you all?! You see her pain, his pain, and their pain, but what about me? What about my pain? Am I worth anything to you?
I tried to leave and someone stopped me. They know what it’s like to be acquainted with rejection and depression. She saw me while everyone else was busy.
And I stayed that Sunday.
But that wasn’t the only time that happened and the other time… no one saw me drowning. So, I can’t promise you that when you want to leave, someone will be there to stop you.
I hate the devil soooo much for feeding us lies. Lies that we are weak. We are worthless. We are unwanted. We should be dead.
I also hate these lies: You just need to pray more. You need to read more scriptures. You’re being selfish, think of everyone who has it worse than you. These lies just reinforce the enemy’s first seeds. Now, meditating on scriptures is fantastic and does help… but honey get a therapist.
Listen to me… The girl who’s writing this letter for you believes that no one sees her but fights that wrong belief system. The girl who is writing this is in the middle of a breakdown.
You are soooo much more than you think you are. People can not define you, only God. Take the power back of who or what defines you.
You need to talk to a safe person, a therapist, a Pastor, a community counselor, a friend, a parent, anyone safe who got sense! Tell the devil FUDGE you.
I write this at the end of a panic attack. Trust me when I say, I understand pain. And even with all of it, mental and physical, I want you and me to believe that this is only a chapter, not our story. This here is a moment, not our destiny. We are not going to get stuck here. We are not going to die here. We are going to get better.
I know the desperate want to believe that life will get better. I’m here to tell you that it does. I am getting better and so can you. Let do this together.
YOU, my love, give life another shot, push back all the thoughts of rejection, “they won’t believe me”, “they won’t care”, “they will judge me”. Listen, some people won’t but not everyone. If you can, go to an unbias(someone who don’t know you and have no reason to judge you) person like a counselor. I use an inexpensive counseling service called Faithfulcounseling.com. I had to change my counselor so don’t feel like you have to stick with who they give you. Also, I have spoken with persons on a SAFE and FREE chat called Jesuscares.com(international included).
I firmly believe in counseling and help. Even God does. Do you doubt it? Challenge me and google what God says about advisors. Here is just a FEW things the bible has to say about therapy.
Proverbs 15:22 Without consultation, plans are frustrated, But with many counselors they succeed.
Proverbs 24:6 For by wise guidance you will wage war, And in abundance of counselors there is victory.
There is so much more.
AND IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN GOD:
Pleaseeeeee still talk to someone. I love you so much. What? Yeah, I do. We got to stick together. 🙂
I wrote a straight-forward-no-fluff post with numbers, chatrooms and other options for free help. What do you have to lose?
Why give up when there are people who are willing to hear you. Do you just wanna cry? Fine.
Cry with them over the phone, through your laptop or face-to-face.
You’re not alone. Check out the post *here* for the list.
I believe in you. Give yourself the gift of believing in yourself.
Love you and I will be praying that you don’t take your life.
1 Peters 5:7 NLT