I won’t even lie to you guys. Today has been rough and it’s only 11:44am. Smt. I did a lot of “firsts” today for the year. Let me say in advance that I am not proud of these firsts but as a christian who is also a human being, I did it, I asked for forgiveness and I am over it. I am low-key over today but I won’t say that out loud.
Today, I said my first F-bomb for the year. This took place before my first meltdown during quarantine. I asked for forgiveness between choke sobs and I am kind of recovered. That might change the way you think of me but I wish I had a christian to look up to who admits that they can be unintentionally messy.
Believe it or not though, that is not what I actually came to talk to you guys about today. Today I want to talk about my discoveries.
There are some sins I just never wanted to be associated with. I believe that these sins can be forgiven by God and in no way makes someone less than someone else. But dang, I did not want these on my record. Do we even have a record with Jesus?
For the last two weeks, I’ve had two difficult pills to swallow.
Pride and Attitude Issues
Let’s not pop the big water balloon which is “Attitude Issues”.
Screw it! Why not? They are: rejection, fear, defensiveness and the one I hate the most… condemnation. In other words, I have been judgmental towards others. Ew. When I tell you that hurts me to the core. I thought pride was a blow. I never wanted to be associated with Satan, and pride is his specialty. It’s the reason he got kicked out of heaven. And it’s one of the six things the Lord hates (Proverbs 6:16-19). Like ew.
So let’s rewind to earlier… this is my season of refinement. I’ve been seeing the fire of God and my prayer is that He burns away everything in me that is not from Him. When I started to say this prayer, I did not know about the issues above. Even when they were revealed to me, I didn’t realize that God was exposing my heart was the answer to my prayers. I got so happy when I realized that because beauty comes from refinement.
Yes, I got issues but I have left them at His throne. I am super aware now of my thoughts and behavior. Holy Spirit is my accountability partner now. Also, I asked a friend to point out when I’m being shady, rude or too blunt. Apparently, I am blunt 10x.
It stems from me not wanting to be walked over and me wanting to be honest. Those things are not necessarily wrong, it just needs to be handle with love. So, I am learning to speak in truth and love. No one wants to hear what you have to say if it is not said in love. I thought I was speaking in love and people were just unable to accept the truth about themselves or a situation.
You might be asking yourself. Alex, how did Holy Spirit reveal these things to you?
Simple. For about 3-4 days before I realized I had a problem, I was reminded of moments and situations in the past when different people corrected me about my attitude. This happened randomly throughout a couple of days. I wasn’t thinking about the people or talking to them. Plus, presently no one was correcting me, so on the last day I just stopped and was like, “Why are their words being replayed in my mind so often?”
And it either came in a question or it came as a statement but I heard a voice whisper.
Maybe they’re right.
Have you it considered, Alie? That if everyone is telling you the same thing, they might not be wrong?
That was a cold wash over me.
I’ll leave you with this. God shows us things to change us. Don’t grab a hold of guilt or shame. Accept His new mercies that He gives us daily (Lam 3:22-23). Accept His correction because He corrects those whom He loves (Hebrews 12:6). Accept the fact that He forgives you (1 John 1:9).
I love you guys.
Let me know if you have any questions or want me to do an entry on a particular message.
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