A Letter To My Younger Self

I am writing this letter knowing that you are a survivor of circumstances and battles. I know that even though you may be really embarrassed, if you can save a life or help someone out with this letter I wrote for you, you wouldn’t mind so much.

Hey Alie, it’s Alie. *hehe*

I really like you, because you’re really cool. You have an amazing smile and a really cool personality.

I am writing this letter, knowing that you are a survivor of circumstances and battles. I write this letter to you and to girls and boys, even men and women who are going through what you have went through. I know you wished you knew someone who was going through the same thing you are dealing with now. You want to know that you’re not alone in this battle. 

Still, I know you want me to shut up and not let anyone know your biggest secrets. But living with you all these years, I know just how strong you are.

I know that even though you might be really embarrassed, if you could save a life or help someone out with this letter I wrote for you, you wouldn’t mind so much.

So here it goes:

You’re really awesome! Actually, you’re freaking amazing!

You’re always giving, even when it’s your turn to receive. Sometimes that’s good Alie, and sometimes that’s really bad.

You don’t choose the best of friends; you float to broken people sometimes to be loved and that only gets you hurt. In fact, you don’t know how to make friends, so you make up the perfect friends in your head. And no you’re not crazy, you’re just lonely. That will pass in a few years.

Not so long now, you will have some real cool friends and the broken ones would have already left because you decided to stand up for yourself. The new friends are not perfect, but they’re perfect for you. Your former friends left because you wouldn’t let them walk all over you anymore. You never really got used to being an emotional punching bag for people, but in these early stages of your life, you chose their bullying over being alone.

Thank God all of that changed when you started loving yourself more than you wanted to be liked.

Babe, you have no idea what is in you and that makes me sad. I know you don’t like you, but I do and so does God. I know you want to kill yourself, but don’t cause your really freaking cool. I know you have dark thoughts that are hard to push away, but one day they will go. I know you wish boys paid more attention to you, but don’t worry about that cause they’re lame… well not all but a lot. I know that’s easier said than done. I get it… I get you and I’m happy to be you.

You read books and a lot of them! I loveee that about you! You like to read fanfiction stories about girls who have the “perfect” relationship. You want to be touched and loved both physically and emotionally in the most rawest sense. You want a really cool, fun and sexy guy to come into your life and make everything better. Well, you’ll be 23 and he hasn’t come as yet, but that doesn’t matter because someone else came and totally changed your life for the better. 

Like legit, you will be totally goo-goo-gaga about Him and He about you. He’s the type of man that makes you smile and blush in a room full of people. He makes you dance like no one is around and you do it unashamed. You will become bold and joyful and really giggly. That man will be God.

He is watching you now and even though you are at your lowest point, he wants you. God, dang… he will totally pursue and rescue you from yourself. You won’t be able to commit suicide with him around, but I know that you know that already. The coolest thing is that you can be yourself with him.

Also, he has a man for you. A man who is not like your father. A man who will learn from Abba how to love you and respect you. 

Geez, I really wish you could see yourself today. But since that can’t happen, I want you to know that I see you and wish you knew who you are. Sometimes you don’t think you are cool or pretty. You don’t have a positive body image of yourself and you are so quick to point out what’s wrong with you. Do us both a favor and stop that please. 

Stop agreeing with others when they say negative things about you. 

Stop downgrading your looks so someone could feed you a compliment.

You are so much better than that.

Alie, you have one body.

One.

Respect that body.

Love that body.

And treat that body with care.

Don’t cut it or starve it.

Don’t worry about what the world calls beautiful.

You are beautiful.

You’re actually really sexy when you want to be. 

At 23 you will still battle a bit with self esteem issues but it would be better, way better than it is now.

Now…

Alie, I know you watch porn to avoid dealing with pain, you need to let it go. You have a lot of dreams but I see straight through them. You think that when you’re older, the perfect career, the perfect husband, the perfect house and the perfect kids will make you happy and then the depression will go. You can’t be more wrong. This is a life lesson I want you to learn from young… hold it tight to your heart and never let it go.

Do not place your happiness in imperfect humans. To find joy, you must find peace within yourself. That’s really the only way. I know that makes you sad because you don’t know how to do that and it seems impossible. But don’t get anxious, that lesson is a journey with Jesus and you just need to be vulnerable and willing to go on the ride. It would get easier along the way.

Before I end, I just want to tell you…

You are really stinking cool.

You are so beautiful.

You are so smart.

You are so worth the wait.

And Alie, you are strong.

You hate when people look at you and assume that you had an easy life.

You want to scream to the heavens and tell them about the demons in your head and the hell hole that is your house but you don’t because you stutter when it’s time to speak up for yourself.

Let me tell you something, you have nothing to prove to them. They are hurting just like you, they just can’t hide it as well as you do. 

So I need you to do something for me. I need you to stop judging them. You do that a lot, not on purpose and not to hurt them, but you do. I know you think you’re liberal but sometimes hate comes out of your mouth. Don’t judge them, Alie. This is a broken world with a lot of broken people. And yes you are broken too and they still do it to you. You want to cry at that cause you always have to be the bigger person.

The thing is Alie, Jesus loved you when you were wrong and a coward. Jesus did not hate you or speak ill to you. He choose everyday to love you and love you passionately. 

Follow His example… He’s a really cool guy.

Your love will save lives and know that God will place persons in your life to help you. I got to go now… well not really, but I think that’s all I have to say for now. I hope you take every word and know that it was spoken out of love and admiration. 

I’m proud of you, girl. 

You may have fallen but you got back up and that makes you my she-ro

Let this give you peace tonight:

You did it Alie, you survived.

Love, You

Written: July 27th, 2018

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