So yesterday, I prayed for something different. I told God, “I don’t want to be seen as Holy, I want to be Holy”. What does this mean to me? I don’t want to pretend. I don’t want my motives behind doing something to stem from wanting people to think I am holy. Why? Because then I won’t be doing my Father’s will.
Matthew 22:37-38 tells us that the first and greatest commandment is loving the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your soul and all of your mind.
Adding Galatians 1:10 to support my decision, “For am I now seeking the approval of man or of God? Or am I trying to please man? For if I was still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of God”
I have struggled with what people thought about me for a long time. Through the years, layers of the extent that I would go through to be approved by others, have been peeled off like an onion. It is because I have found “truth” (John 8:32).
Being really transparent right now, I used to look at certain people in my church family for approval. Not from their doing but because of the need to be seen. You see, I realized through Holy Spirit, spoken by my therapist, that I was neglected as a child. Because of that, I craved to be loved and loved to me was shown in how much you want to be around me. How much time you purposely spent time with me.
And here is the wicked lie the enemy used in my life to keep me captive in victimhood.
If someone doesn’t want to spend time with you, it’s your fault. You are not enough. You are not good enough, smart enough or doing enough to keep them around. So what are you going to do? Let me help you. Perform Alex. Make them want you. Make them want to be your friend or your mentor.
Bound to hell and he wants all of us there with him.
Truth stepped in my life and by the word of God I am free.
By the word of God, I am renewed DAILY. I learn more about my Father and Creator’s character DAILY. I know that He will staff my life with the right people in EVERY SEASON. I am not alone and I am always enough for God.
I want people to like me or at least be cordial towards me… but if they’re not, I’ll still be enough. One day I will reach a point where I completely don’t care if they are. One day soon.
As of now, I am a militant daughter of the Lord, who has a limited time on this earth. I have made up in my mind(even though my emotions are still catching up) that I am going to be about my Father’s business.
Think of my best friend, Jesus. He had teachers, well-studied men of the word(His word haha) and priests, who hated him! But Jesus did not bend his character or changed who he was to fit in. So why would I? If I have the same Spirit, The Holy Spirit, that raised Jesus from the dead in me. Holy Spirit, a part of the trinity, meaning God is living in me.
You want to know the truth is:
I love my friends who stood by me.
I love my therapist who spoke wisdom to me.
I love my church who prophecy and prayed for me.
But I love God more.
God has proven to be consistent. Like I have legit tears in my eyes because during every panic attack, during every “bad day”, during my doubt of his goodness, during my periods of wanting to cut myself. He was there.
My friends didn’t always understand. My therapist didn’t always answer right away. My church didn’t always catch me when I fell.
In fact, a lot of my thoughts during that time was “do they really love me” because they weren’t always there when I needed them. All of them. But God had it that way, and I am here today knowing the beauty of everyone in my life role, with great appreciation and gratitude. Also with the knowing that they can never be my “god” again. Ever.
I am my Father’s child and they can never take his place in my heart, mind, or soul again.
So whether they see me as enough, as holy, as worthy… it doesn’t matter. God sees me.
During my cries for help, Jesus was always there. I love him enough to live for him.
I love him enough to walk willingly into a season of refinement, so that He can burn away everything in me that is not of Him. Because He is beautiful, and I want to be like Him.
In the end, I know that people would not be able to deny the presence of God on my life. But I also know that some will. Either way… It really really does not matter.
Love you all.