Reckless Love. Inadequacy. Messy Healing.

Sooo, have I mentioned that I was a suicidal kid… teen and adult. I was driven by my emotions and what I saw around me. Last year was really bad for me. The year started really good. I was embracing my #womanish season; exploring new things, learning fun things and not giving a crap about anything negative. Honestly, God was allowing me to be free and have fun and I was sooo loving it. 

During that season, I came across a lot of hiccups but overall it was really fun… in the beginning. Then depression hit the fan. I don’t believe that depression hit the fun because I was ignoring my mental health. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. I was seeing a therapist, being introspective and trying the best I can with what I knew. Stuff it the fan because healing is messy.

Think about a pimple. Yeah, it’s ugly and sometimes painful but the blood or puss doesn’t come out until you become intentional about bursting it. Then things get messy. But after everything comes out, we can wipe all mess away to take care of the now open wound itself.

So when things hit the fan last year, I cried almost every day. I knew when panic attacks were going to arise and I was completely lost at what to do. Honestly, I can not speak about last year in one blog post, that would be completely impossible. For now, let’s just say it was rough.

But guess what? I came out of it without hurting myself or attempting to commit suicide. If you are considering committing suicide and don’t know what to do, Google the international hotline for your country. If you live in the U.S. it is pretty easy to find them. Also, I have other options in my post here if you live outside of the U.S. 

So now that the intro is over, here’s what I am writing about today. The feeling of inadequacy. Oh, I stinking HATE that feeling. Last year that was a major deception that I had to battle with. So here comes 2020 and I am thinking that stage of my healing is over.

Sometimes old wounds show up in different ways.

I, Alexandria, want to be good enough. I want to show up and show out, I want to be an expert in everything I do. I want to be adequate. 

Well guess what. I am good enough. My good enough was redeemed with the cost of blood. Jesus died and because of that, I AM good enough. He wants me. God WANTS me. Like why? I know I’m cool but He is like mega cool. Like have you read about his eternal love for us? That man Jesus is amazing and I am beyond honored to be His. 

My “good enough” does not equate to my ability to perform. I want so bad to be a great intercessor. To quote scriptures by heart. To be a special person to everyone and show up for people all the time but I can’t. And I will never be able to make everyone pleased. I saw this start to reappear it’s ugly head. The need for people to approve of not necessarily me but what I can do. 

I would be super proud of my progress, taking on small tasks bit by bit and trying to handle one task at a time until I can add more to my schedule. It works best for me that way. 

So, currently I am editing my novel while working my main job. Also, I’m trying to be consistent with my blog and social media, staying connected to my church community and friends during quarantine and trying to become consistent with intercession every other night… or so. I was getting pretty good at this.

But the other day, I saw a message in a group that I’m in and the comparison and feelings of inadequacy started to leak in. Also, everytime I think of the alcoholic in my family that I am praying for, I get super guilt driven. I start to wonder, Am I praying enough?

I have to tell myself daily that I am different. Also, I cannot save, only Jesus. Like I am writing this and I promise it is sooo super easy for me to tell others this but sooo hard to grasp it myself. Did I mention another “puss moment” that happened last year was realizing I don’t extend enough grace to myself. 

If I pray about something and nothing changes in the natural world then believe I’m not praying hard enough. If I miss bible study because I really want to go to bed and rest then I am not christian enough. If I can’t explain to someone what I want to be in the future because I’m still figuring that out myself then I’m too far behind and I need to catch up with other 24 year olds. 

Then I would trying to abandon the baby steps I was taking and try to become super woman just to end up mentally drained and disappointed in myself

Y’all, can I tell you that is bull crap. 

I just finished worshipping to Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. Music spoke what I couldn’t last year and that was one of the most powerful influence that lead to my breakthrough.

There’s no shadow You won’t light up

Mountain You won’t climb up

Coming after me

There’s no wall You won’t kick down

Lie You won’t tear down

Coming after me

Wait? God you’re coming after me? What? No! Why would you? I don’t do things right. I’m not making fast enough progress. I’m depressed and I have no reason to be.

Lies.

He tears down every lie.

You are good enough. You are worth running after because you are His. You are not common, you are the only you He has created so if He doesn’t have “you” He won’t have another one. This is my plead to not kill yourself. I want to sooo badly but I held on to this statement until I believed it was true. 

Jesus defeated the enemy before and He is capable of doing it again. 

I love you guys so much. You are not alone in this battle, He is with me and I am sure He is with you. 

Love,

Alie.

I am hosting a FREE live writing session on my IG: @alieunscripted. So every Thursday and Sunday for 1 hour starting at 8pm, I will be on. Every session starts with prayer and after the 1 hour focus writing session, I will stay on for any questions you may have! So follow me on Instagram to get notifications.

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