It has been longer than I wished it had been since I last wrote. Sorry about that. This week has been quite interesting. Sunday I had a whole break down… two actually. I hate depression. I don’t waddle in it. I despise it. I wish I could say a prayer and it would go away but it’s not that simple. Before, I would just sit in it. It will go away at some point, I believed. And it did. For years that’s how I lived. My “relapse” made me consider not canceling my therapy session. Like that had to be a sign that I wasn’t ready… and that thought made me feel weak. I was doing so good. So stinking good.
I told my therapist the next day what had happened and my straight-talk southern therapist put me in my place.
Two steps forward and one stumble back does not erase the fact that I am much further along now than I was when I first started.
I thought therapy was for life.
Once a week for the rest of my life, I will be on a couch(well, my bed cause I do virtual therapy) talking about my feelings. Now I am meeting with my therapist once a month. I might make it once every two weeks. But don’t misread me. I.AM.NOT.QUITTING.THERAPY.
I found out A LOT about the roots of my depression. This made me realize that I need to set boundaries. I learned my triggers and I am still learning to say “no”.
Apparently, “no” is a complete sentence.
Therapy has also taught me how amazing I am. I didn’t really know that until I had someone with me telling me that my mistakes don’t determine my worth.
Did you know I even went through a quarter-life crisis because I didn’t have my whole life mapped out? Yep… God knew I needed a Southern Therapist to set me straight.
Before I started counseling, I was very intentional about figuring out what makes me tick. Why do I cry when this happen? Why do I care what they think? Why do I have panic attacks? The whys were not hard for me, but figuring out what to do with these whys were.
This year so far feels like a blur. It’s weird to say this but I had two therapists this year. The first one was a good person, but she cuddled my victim-hood mentality and I didn’t like that. I quit but then I realized I still needed someone. I started therapy again on June 15th, 2019.
I really appreciate my therapist and I don’t think it was a conscience that I had two bad breakdowns the day before I was supposed to end my weekly counseling sessions. That next day I poured out to my therapist everything that happened and how that is a clear sign that I am not ready to reduce counseling sessions. She didn’t agree with me. In the past, whenever I made a stumble back, even if it was a mini stumble, I would forget just how far I had come. I discredit my 8 months progress because of one night. That’s not fair.
Therapy was not supposed to fix me, it was supposed to counsel me and give me long term tools to live a healthy life, even when life throws me a curve-ball… and life will.
Life won’t be easy but because of therapy, I have the tools and the mindset that I don’t have to go down the rabbit hole when I get beaten down. Like I said, I still have my therapist. I will still be meeting with her. From the get-go, I knew that she wanted me to learn who I was and the tools that I could adapt to eliminate and/or deal with the issues that I had.
I realize that the enemy wanted me to believe that I am not strong. That has been the lie that I have been taught since I was a child. I am weak; I will always be weak and I will always need to depend on people. The lie that caused the most damaged was that no one sees me.
Imagine this thought pattern: No one loves you. (commit suicide, they won’t miss you) You are weak. (and will always be) You are stupid. (and will always be) Take the road with the least amount of risk. (because you are incapable of doing the hard things) But wait! (doubt and fear) Get someone's opinion (you can’t make that decision by yourself) I don’t move because no one is telling me what to do. SEE! They don’t love you!
Ugh. Just writing that was tiring. That is only one of the many examples of inner conflict and battles that I had to deal with most of my life.
I just want to be clear. My therapist did not take the place of God. She partnered with him. She was a firm force that did not tolerate, “I can’t” or “I am a victim”. She came for my life with simple truths but I did have to dig deep and be honest with myself.
I’m not sure how to end this… or even name it hahaha. But thank you for sticking around to the end.
Written: September 11th, 2019